Thursday, April 19, 2007

..FOR THE LAST TIME

Yesterday was kind of a rough day.

As I sat in the hospital parking lot, waiting for my mother's surgery to end, I thought about how short life can be. So, I called him.

I didn't think he would answer- he usually doesn't. But this time he did. Not expecting a call from me he must not have checked his caller i.d. before picking up.

I told him the reason for my call. That I was thinking about how life is too short for there to be any ill feelings between people who once loved each other. There is no room for anymore animosity or regret. I apologized for not being my sister- the person that he thinks he is still in love with. Even though that was 30 years ago.

He fell in love with me as a replacement maybe? Who knows why.

I asked about his daughter and wife. Her struggle with alcoholism and drug abuse has consumed the last 2 decades for him. He continues to be consumed.

I told him that I hope he feels loved by those around him. No response- I don't think he does. I didn't tell him this- but he is still loved here.

He politely asked after my mother and then had to rush off to beat the traffic home. I let him go, hopefully for the last time.

Thank God for Chuck. My friend and confidant and the one who knows more of what I have been going through than anybody.

Thank God for Chuck AND several gin and tonics. He met me for drinks. I told him I had called D. He let me bury my face in his warm, comforting neck and cry over this lost love- his strong, yet gentle, arms around me.



Lost poem...
Lost words...
Lost feeling..
Lost love...

Nay, these are not lost, it is a deception
Nay, these are not lost, a false perception

Lost poem...
Lost words...
Lost feeling..
Lost love...

Nay, these are not lost, they exist deep in my soul,
Ultimate forgiveness, a high ideal, and yet a worthy goal.

Lost poem...
Lost words...
Lost feeling..
Lost love...

chad fisher

12 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I hope your Mum is doing well?

Chuck sounds like a very, very good friend. x

GEWELS said...

Thanks for the well-wishes Akelamalu.
Yes, not only is Chuck a good friend. But he has the largest capacity for love and compassion of anybody I've ever met. He's a treasure.

Mother of Invention said...

That's a tough one to be in ...lost loves are so hard to figure out why they didn't work..is it the Grand Master's Plan or just a crapshoot? But I agree with you...life could be tto short for not knowing the truths we've lived and sounds like you've certainly come to terms with your truths.
I'm not sure what she had done but hope your mom's doing well.

red-dirt-girl said...

Gewels,

I think your pain is so raw for me, that it is almost too much for me to bear...

I'll send you a silk gossamer threaded needle....so thin you won't feel a thing, to sew up that wound on your heart...

health to your mom ..

xx
rdg

Akelamalu said...

Hang on to Chuck then, he's a rare find honey. xx How's your Mum?

GEWELS said...

Mum is doing fine. She's coming home from the hospital today. Bleeding ulcer- she had to have 6 pints of blood. We thought we were going to lose her on Sunday. She's one tough cookie, though.
Biopsy came back negative (stomach cancer claimed her brother and father).

My wound is healing too, RDG. Thanks for the thread. And, thank God for Chuck.

steve said...

As good as Gin and Tonics may be, they are no replacements for friends and Mom's.
heres to you, gewels!

Barbara said...

We all seem to be struggling this week. Wouldn't it be great if for just one day we could all feel happy, appreciated, in love, loved, all those positive words?

I'm glad you have your friend Chuck. For some reason, your story brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it's because they are just needing an excuse to roll down my cheeks.

Not so little Woman said...

Aw, Gewels... Lots of hugs for you!! I hope your mom is feeling better and you too. Letting go of someone is hard, but you are doing it without anger, regret, etc... That's good. Soon it'll all pass.

Linds said...

My thoughts & prayers are with your mother. I've said this before, but it's noteworthy to say again: we seem to be on the same timeline, my friend. (My father will hopefully be released from ICU & put into a regular room sometime this weekend.)

I'm glad you have Chuck. We all need friends like that. A few drinks and a good cry in the arms of a trusted and dear friend are all a girl really needs sometimes.

And, I'm going to return the sentiment...

BRAVO to YOU, girlfriend. It takes a truly strong and beautiful person to make a phone call like that. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a hug for me.

This last entry made my heart smile.

Akelamalu said...

So pleased to hear your Mum and you are doing better. ((hugs))

Mother of Invention said...

Next week will be better for everyone, hopefully.