As a beautiful new day begins I start to question my fears.
I have been told that I seem to be exceptionally more fearless than many women my age. Willing to take on new challenges (often where work is concerned), and seek new roads to travel down.
I truly believe that nothing ventured is nothing gained. Often jumping in, sometimes without thinking, to experience something (or someone) new. Is that so bad?
I don't usually think so.
Why live in a rut- experiencing the same old, same old? I get way too bored living my life so quietly. I have always been this way. Well, at least since my teen years. I could not (or would not) sit still. It caused me moments of distress at times. Feeling that I could be doing, or experiencing, something bigger than myself, my friends, my surroundings. And often not being allowed to act on my desires for fear of disappointing. Disappointing my parents, my friends, my employers, and now, my spouse.
But will I get to the end of my life and wish I had acted more? Not worried so much about
what others close to me may think. I think I am beyond the age of worrying about what my parents would think. Cue the Italian, Catholic school guilt here.
Should I truly be concerned with what my spouse thinks? Yes- probably. But at what cost? Regretting the roads not traveled down. The countries not seen. The photos not taken. The art not created. The relationships not forged?
Would I still be loved if I abandoned the expectations that others seem to have of me? Wouldn't I be a more "loveable" person if I were free to live the life I've imagined. I would be happier thus allowing me to make others happier. OR am I kidding myself?
My biggest FEAR is disappointing. Disappointing myself as well as others. Fear of failure also looms large. Fear of failing at important relationships (two,lately, to be exact). Will these fears paralyze me into becoming too distant next time. Fear of getting close. Fear of failing at a new endeavor? Thus, not even trying.
I don't believe I want to live my life this way. I want to be free to experience everything there is to experience. Stretch my wings and aim high.
Try something new, make some mistakes, but learn from them.
I want to live an authentic and full life.
Even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully.
Frances Moore Lappe
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